Getting Past First Base In The Dating Game
This is going to sound cheesy, but I am going to share it with
For years, the first date was the worst part of the dating
process for me and my date.
She and I were often uncomfortable on our first meeting, and it
was a struggle to get through the evening to the point of comfort
between my date and myself.
One of my female friends shared with me an idea that she had come
across years before, and when I tried it for myself, it changed
most of my first dates from a nervous uncomfortable experience
into a fun and engaging evening.
Take Pen And Paper On Your First Date
In most cases, I will have talked to the person I am meeting once
or twice, before we go on the actual “first date”. So, to a
point, we are somewhat comfortable with each other. But, I am
always nervous on that first date anyway, and so is she.
It is not uncommon to be uncomfortable on that first date,
because as human beings, we want the other person to like us, as
much as we think we like them.
It is that fear of rejection that causes the most nervousness on
that first dinner date, and my friend forever changed that
experience for me to the positive, due to what I am about to tell
you right now.
Pen and paper?
It never fails. We sit down to order dinner, then we are never
sure where the conversation is going to go next.
When I feel that first twinge of uncertainty in the conversation,
I reach in my pocket and put a pen on the table in front of her.
I let curiosity drive the moment.
She is usually very confused by the ball-point pen, and she looks
at me in a quizzical manner.
I just smile.
Then I reach in my pocket and get a piece of paper. I reach
across the table and put the paper in front of her, then I make
eye contact, and respond to her confusion with another smile.
Then I place pen and paper in front of myself.
Only after I have got my own pen and paper on the table do I
I usually say, “Humor me. It will be fun.”
She will usually agree.
Then I will say, “I know you have questions, and sometimes it is
easier to put them on paper than it is to ask them in person.”
I will follow that with, “I am pretty sure that there is at
least one question about me that you might be too nervous to ask
me. If so, write it down on the paper, and I will do the same
with the question I have for you that I might be too nervous to
Take notice of the reaction offered by the other person.
The body language will say more than the words that come from the
I generally see one of three responses from the person I am with:
1) A grunt of dissatisfaction and a roll of the eyes. This means
that very likely, the date will end after dinner, and you will
never see her again.
2) A sparkle in the eye, and she will pick up the pen and begin
to write. This could be very interesting. You will be surprised
at the depth of some of the questions asked.
3) She will push the paper aside and begin to speak. Ah yes…
This one is feisty… She is not easily intimidated, and she
certainly will not be afraid to ask you ANY questions. In this
instance, she will quickly ask the most personal questions that
she could ever think to ask on a first date.
The Point Of This Exercise
As someone on a first date, we are both trying to sell ourselves
to the other person as someone with whom they should want to
spend more of their time.
As someone who has worked in sales, I know that successful sales
people don’t focus on what is in it for themselves, but instead,
they focus on answering all of the questions most important to
the other party, in an effort to help them make a good decision.
The point of this exercise is to open the communication channels,
so that both of you will be willing to dive into those very
important questions that you will need answered to decide if this
dating prospect is right for you.
If at the end of that first date, you have successfully
eliminated someone from your shopping list, you will be ahead of
the game. Most people don’t figure that out that someone is a
bad match until they have gone on two or three dates.
The pen and paper is simply a tool designed to open the
communication channels with the other person.
It is never necessary to actually write anything on your piece of
paper, unless the other person starts writing.
In order to ease the willingness to ask and answer questions, I
always make my first question somewhat silly. My goal with
selecting a humorous or silly first question is to “lessen the
tension” in the conversation and to create a “feeling of fun”
in the experience.
Even if I never go out with her again, I want her to tell her
friends that her date with me “was fun.”
Spice Up Your Love Life With Pen And Paper
Always take two pens and two sheets of paper with you when you go
on a date.
If you never have to use them, that might be a good sign for your
Lance Metzger writes about relationships, offline and online
dating. In our minds, “No Strings Attached” simply means,
“Let’s get to know one another before we start making any
commitments to one another.” To explore No Strings Attached
Dating, please visit the NSA Dating Site at:
Consider Lance’s new Kindle book, “Making Memories: Creative
Dating Ideas”: http://raintreepublishing.com/creative-dating-ideas/