When Commitment Seems A Bit Too Much Trouble
Copyright (c) 2011-2012 Lance Metzger
The nuclear family (man and wife, plus 2.2 kids) is a fantasy
that some people want to chase, and while there is nothing wrong
with that, it is not the right relationship dynamic for some
Divorced And Living Together
My mother divorced my dad in 1985. He remarried in 2000, but she
remains unmarried to this day.
That is not to say that she is alone… In fact, she has been
living with the same fellow since 1989.
If you ask her “when” she plans to marry, she will hurl a load
of angry words in your direction.
But, if you ask her “why” she is not yet married, she will tell
you in no uncertain terms that she will never marry again, and
definitely not to the jerk she is with now. LOL
Her “why” is simple. You “cannot trust a man to keep his word
about anything.” LOL again.
If you ask me, it has nothing to do with whether the men in her
life keep their word about anything. Instead, by staying
unmarried, she is keeping her life simple. And if she and
whomever she is with decide to break the relationship bond, then
not having to get a divorce makes the process much easier and
I don’t usually share personal stories about my family with my
readers, but in this case, I made an exception.
I made an exception in this case for two reasons: you probably
will never meet my mother or be able to track her down, AND her
story perfectly demonstrates how relationships can be more
complicated than they appear on the surface.
Divorced and Living Apart, But Still Dating
There is another couple I know, whose kids I went to school with
when I was younger. I have always got on well with them, and we
kept in touch after I grew up.
In their case, they divorced about the same time my parents
divorced — over 25 years ago.
But every time I see them, they are together, on a date.
One day, curiosity got the best of me. I asked them why they
still keep different homes if every time I see them they are
together. She laughed at my question.
The two of them explained that while they enjoy the company of
the other, most of the time, they grate on the other one’s
nerves if they are together too much.
So after 20 years of marriage, 5 years of dating other people,
and 20 more years of dating each other, they have come to the
conclusion that it is best to live in different houses and go on
several dates a week.
When they start to tire of the other, they stop seeing each other
for a little while.
When they are ready to start dating again, the one who broke it
off previously will call the other one on the phone.
After a couple phone calls, they will rekindle their dating
relationship. And I will begin to see them out on the town
together for dinner and such again.
Friends With Benefits
My sister has a relationship very similar to that of my moms.
She and her husband ended their marriage after only twelve years.
I can almost understand the hatred she has for men now, but not
Yeah, her husband was a jerk of super-hero proportions, but I
could almost understand why he acted in such a vile manner
because she treated him like yesterday’s garbage.
Nevertheless, that marriage was one that was made in hell. And it
ended much later than it should have.
When it all came to its brutal end, he bought tens of thousands
of dollars of stuff in her name, ruining her credit forever. When
the judge decided he needed to give her his car as part of the
settlement, he took out all of the parts necessary for the
vehicle to operate the vehicle.
It took my sister six years to gather all of the parts necessary
to start the vehicle again.
Can I say vicious?
My sister decided that she liked intimacy, but she certainly
wasn’t going to let another man ever “tell her what to do.”
For years, she had several “friends” with whom she carried a
“friends with benefits” relationship.
After several boyfriends, she finally settled down with one poor
chap, who she runs through the ringer regularly.
I cannot tell you how many phone calls I have received, my wife
and my brother have received, from my sister’s current live-in
boyfriend, with him crying on the other end of the line, because
my sister is being mean to him and threatening to end the
All I can tell him is to lay down to take the abuse, grow some
balls and stand up to her once in a while, or move on to another
woman who will treat him better. LOL
In his case, I suspect he was much better off when he had a
“friends with benefits” relationship with my sister, instead of
a live-in boyfriend/girlfriend relationship.
The Nuclear Family Is Dead
I do say that tongue-in-cheek, because my brother does have a
nuclear-family relationship, with a wife and 3 kids, but he is
the only one left in our family who does.
As far as I am concerned, I am happy to remain a bachelor on the
Maybe in a few years, I will grow up and accept the standard
definition of a relationship as a relationship I want in my own
life. But I am almost 40. Sometimes I think that if I haven’t
done it yet, I probably never will.
Just because most people on this earth choose the nuclear-family
relationship does not mean that it is the perfect relationship
dynamic for everyone on the planet.
Let’s face it. Commitment is not the perfect solution for
everyone, and it never will be.
Lance Metzger writes about relationships, offline and online
dating. In our minds, “No Strings Attached” simply means,
“Let’s get to know one another before we start making any
commitments to one another.” To explore No Strings Attached
Dating, please visit the NSA Dating Site at:
Consider Lance’s new Kindle book, “Making Memories: Creative
Dating Ideas”: http://raintreepublishing.com/creative-dating-ideas/